YWednesday, September 28, 2005
i've gtg to werk early today...which means morre O/T hours!
hehe..tis is so damn good man..

and yeahh..i gave my next week schedule and asked for Monday and Tuesday off
then werk all the way..i really just wana be busyyyy...
Fasting month is next weekk too..goodness..hehe..i've been waitin for this mth all year!

i was serving tis grumpy lady tis mornin and the funny thing is that
despite the 'i-am-sad-and-u-bettr-f-off' face i still managed to make her luff and smile just by smiling at her and crackin a stupid joke! haha!wat an achievement!

anyhows..there was also tis blurr chinaman who spoke to me in chinese and of coz i gave the clueless face and the hopeless Jeremy doesnt even noe that he only wants WATER!!!
lucky body language exists..if not i'd be clueless till now..haha

and since i've been werkin wit all guys tis past few midnites and Jeremy and Ted bein the common ones i managed to get alota guy's point of views on things and the funny thing was that i was moved..haha...

that perhaps yeah..im only 18 and i should stop turning guys down unless of course i really wana be a lesbian..hhaha...
somthg which is sooo out of my sane mind..
so im officially just gona start socializing again..and allow myself to meet ppl..

i also found out that i should start bein multilingual to be successful so that i can travel..
*Izhar made me realise tat*..haha
so to be good at other ppl's languages..i gota be good at mine 1st rite?
sooo..while tutorin Taz i actually started to speak to her in Malay!! ahaha...
i only dared to speak to her cuz our malay equally stink..haha..
[u gota at least start somewer rite??]

basically it has been an educational week for me at werk so far..and i had alota fun imbibe-ing everything that i've learnt..and with 2 more midnites to go and werkin wit the two 20+year old guys again..i'd be much wiser and lesser sensitive i gez..hahahaha...
cuz hell yeah we joke and crap and bullshit a hell LOT man.. =D
i love my job!

ok...i got to go now..but bfore i do..
i just wana tell kak long thanks..for trying to come back..
i may be silent but im tryin ok..just give me some time..
i love you..u noe that..Muackz!

alrite people i'll crap more wen i have the time ok??

till then have fun!! live as if today's your last...
DON'T BROOD nemore..u look OLD and ugly!
_callous_ was here with you at 7:57 PM .

YMonday, September 26, 2005
ok so werk was tiring cuz of my freakin cramp!! haha..but it's ok..1st time i took 45mins for my break..cuz i sat in the pantry..ate chilled chicken spicy pasta salad and fruit tea..and then Irfan called...haha..and then talked abt me and my sudden moodswings..all the possibilities..haha..

and then came up wit the idea that i should start dating..!!
tat's like WHoaRh!! haha..im like..NOT READY.!
but then again..its kinda cool aint it..?
but nah...im still waitin for my capricorn..hehe..
im not a star sign freak or neting like tat..but i just wana meet ONE capricorn..
so yeah..BUT irfan told me to start goin out and takin the initiative..

SO..i took ONE..and shittyly im afraid of appearin despo..
haha..WAT the HELL..it's for the sake of just makin frens neways..haha


and soo..i found out that Abg Wan can read bloggsss..so yeah..everyone at home is doin fine...no worries k?? and we all miss you!! and these are some pics of us..
















i'll add moree tmr..gona snooozzzeee now...nite!!
_callous_ was here with you at 2:41 AM .

YThursday, September 22, 2005
sooo..i worked at T1 transit last nyte..wit Zoe and tis guy named Ridhuan..
thought it was gona be boring..but then again..it's not at all that bad..

so i managed to perk things up and actually stay awake wit only 2hours of sleep..
and found out that Ridhuan is also in TP..1st year..Mechatronics..and Zoe is from Ipoh and put on weight cuz she said she lovvveeeddd the food over at her hometown and the frequent visits to her relatives' place and her fren's relatives' place bla3....so yepz!

made two new frenz last nite..aint that nice..haha!

the customers in transit is like way way better than the customers outside...they are superbly friendly..even despite the jet lag they can still start a joke or even smile and make your day..they are definitely understanding and they don't expect neting from you..as long as their orders are done..i've never had such a breeze before taking their orders and makin their drinks..LOVE IT!

not until Farid[the barista turned manager] came wit the
'i-hate-her-and-dun-wana-haf-anything-to-do-wit-her' face..bleargh!
humiliated me as he nagged about SOP yada..yada...wen he actually sneezed LOUDLY behind the bar...(talkin about SOP from him)..haha..zilch!
oh..wth..he's lucky that i love my job and that i cant be bothered to retaliate..even if i do..it'll just waste my freakin time..cuz he's not worth the energy..he was nice till lately..i despise big-headed asses and FARID..im sorry but YOU are one of them..
i've come across a few Faridsss...and i dislike all of them..but tis one..i pity.

anyways..i agreed to work wit Zoe tonight again cuz she is short-handed..
so yepzz...werk!!! Irene is doin the PM shift again and no doubt im gona see Farid again in the mornin and tmr..im gona puch out once he's in..rest-assured! he disappointed me..like literally.

mebe that's it wit gays huh? they can be nice..but then again they can be sickeningly BITCHY.
oh wellzz...

im thinking of lookin for a second job..in sales perhaps..
gona try DFS and Cocoa Tree tmr..mebe Nuance Watson..let's see..
and im also thinking of straightening my hair..
dying it part purple and a lil blonde on the fringe..haha

at tis point of time however..i wana go find sth to do and get my comforter..
cuz i'm bored and freeezzing...haha..
the weather has been GRREAT lately..i slept the whole day..i think i overslept..yikez!

im gona go read till 10pm..then i'll go take a HOT shower and head to werk..
till i get back..!
outz!
_callous_ was here with you at 8:32 PM .

YTuesday, September 20, 2005
gourmet was FUNNN!!! sharie brought along the speaker so i was in the kitchen the whole night with the music blasting...nice.!!

Kak Long helped me with the cutting of the 4 slabs of bread and the cuttleries and others was done by moi..hehe..we started at 2am..so yeah..i finished at 3.40am..not bad aye? as compared to last time...then crapped alot wit sharie and listen to them[sharie and khai] bitch abt tis gurl wearin tudung but still smoke in public and goin all over her boyf while "studyin"..but she's nice to me..so wth.heh. and then complain abt werk.. and of coz..i joined in all of the conversationsss together wit my sis..haha

it's great bein a gurl isnt it? the ability to gab and bitch and complain..hmm...

o yeah! when i closed gourmet...it's actually much much fun as compared to werkin outside..especially wen u feel like bein in solitude..time pass realleee fast in the pantry..and u can just sit outside and yabble wit them after ur done..haha

mebe i wana close the next time i work midnyte again..but my forte is still in EB station..hehe i lurvee makin cappucinos..especially wen the milk i steamed is thick and smooth and the espresso shot is perfect wit the rim ard the cup formed by the aroma of the shot..whow! i only managed to achieve the perfect cup like..thrice...and one of it went to tis idiotic apek who duno how to appreciate a cup of good coffee cuz he complained sayin "TOO MUCH FOAM!!"
crap! that's like..wat cappucinos are! half miilk and half foam! oh well..haha

and yeah..i think sharie kinda got pissed cuz i keep repeating the song by NB Ridaz..and she's in no mood in gettin all emotional..whootz! sorry dearie...wun happen again k?

aida asked me to go club wit her this thurs to 'doubleO'..
im not up for it..tho i'd love to dance..but heck. i dun like the place and the atmosphere..

i think i wana bring Farhana[my second sis] out tmr..for fun..perhaps to Galilee&Friends! and then we can window shop..im thinking of gettin a dress..wat do u think? mebe i shud start dressing more like a gurl huh? haha..im workin on it..

perhaps wat Jeremy say is ryte.."ur a gurl..u must look like one."
cuz if everyone wana wear the pants..then the skirts and feminism will be niche.
and then everyone will wana be the guy...and the no. of MCPs will increase cuz the guys will wana take charge of the gurls who in turn wana be in charge as well..bla..bla..bla..
yikes!

im gona stop yabbling now..wana watch Jennifer Garner!
take care peepz!
_callous_ was here with you at 10:46 PM .

YMonday, September 19, 2005
im not supposed to hate now rite??

haha..oh well..werk was fine...i gota close GOURMET tonight!!yikez!
my WORST station of all. the last time i tried closing, i only managed to end at 5.30AM!

i wonder how long i will take tis time around wit all the stock comin in..haha
it's gona beee funnnn...never had challenge in werkin before..yepz!!!

as u can tell..im havin a positive mindset now..=)

just livin life as it pass..and lovin every minute of it..
im not werkin that much now..wana rest and just stay at home and keep up wit wat i've missed..my sisters..my dad..my mum..my beautiful niece and nephew...
werk have been takin so much of time that i dun have any time spent on them..

im gona go get ready fer werk now..and yeah..

remember when i asked why must things happen for a reason??
--well i watched a movie..and it said that

sometimes..things just happen..

so thingss doesnt always happen for a reason now aye?

that's good news..hehe
take care now! i'll be blogging about closing the gourmet station tmr!!
_callous_ was here with you at 9:33 PM .

YSunday, September 18, 2005
i have been slackin the whole day today..put my hp on golf..
lazed around and decided to walk around..then went to Loyang Pt..thought of dying my hair..till i saw the last person i wana come across in real life..heh.
in which, she caused me to change my mind and turn back home..so yeah.
i became a potato couch instead and watched Wicker's Park and Mona Lisa's Smile and Love Actually...hmm..it's nice to actually do tis once in awhile..be in a world of fantasy..trying to put urself in the lead actress' character..imagining..aint it beautiful..everything is scripted out for you..

but then again..it'll be dull and boring aye? heh..cuz everything will be obvious and expected. bleah! wer's the fun in tat? i wonder..

anyhows, i've been wonderin..why is it so easy for me to be lied to? do i trust too easily? open up too much? or am i simply that easy to be taken advantage of? which of it is my problem??
im sick of people trying to be nice and hurt me in the long run..

what is it about me? my guts? my angst? my vulnerability? my hate?

i hate all this..im losing hope on faith and hope itself.
im sick of everything. perhaps.i should just let everything go..
and start over..no point whining about all tis bullshit nemore..it just stinks.
im not gona care as much..hope as much or even give a freakin damn.

every past i reminisce makes me sick. the word reminisce makes me puke.
i hate all of this. i hate having to be reminded of everything that we did. everything that we spoke of..every song that we sang. i hate him. i literally hate him for ruining my life.
and i hate myself for letting him do that.!
i hate the word hurt and hate.

i wana be able to love again..but my heart is broken..to pieces that it'l take a long time to mend.. i need time to trust and open up again..
in which im not sure when..but im taking my time this time..and not letting anything get in the way. i will make the right choice and be fulfilled again..not like last time..
but even better..

this is just really freakin me out cuz each tym im sure i've let go..things will just happen that will remind me of the things or the person that i've always wanted to forget..damn!

if you're reading this by chance..listen to this song..it's for you [notice me-nb ridaz]
--i noe that you know who u are..thanks for helping me realise..i need to let go.=)
_callous_ was here with you at 6:52 PM .

YSaturday, September 17, 2005
oh well...im bored.haha.

d past 3days have been hectic. to da max!

been werkin..and goin out..and werkin..and goin out.

so yepz..but fun tho. managed to get my mind off alota things..im actually havin fun.
havin a life..tat im damn worn out now.haha.
been doin lotsa socializing and meetin ppl..
went to MOMO's on weds nite til abt 5am in the mornin..[my first time]
and yeah..had fun..wit my sis..lyn..zee..khai and frens and aida and frens..and Irene!!
damn fun..and the experience was good but i dun tink i wana go there again.
cuz it's just not my kind of environment..i prefer chillout places..uhuh.!
d place is like too crowded makin it claustrophobic fer ppl like me..

and rite after that i had like 3hrs sleep and went out to town wit shi and py.
we watched The Cave at Cineleisure..the show seem boring at ferst but then it really got us at the edge of our seat all the way to the end. it wasn't actually bad..exceeded our expectation and it's worth our 7bux!hee..

we went to Galilee & friends..it was our first time..and i think the place is new too..cuz there wasnt much ppl dining in..when there should be cuz the place is grreat!
i like the whole modern deco and the type of ambience tat its gettin at..
and the drinks was...extremely nice and new!i had the strawberry tea freeze and shi and py had the smoothie...and there is also free flow of soup but we didnt refill cuz it was too filling.
shi and i had the pasta and py gt finding nemo[fish&chips]..the food wasnt that bad...

but the experience was good anyhows, so now i noe why they say that service is important cuz it actually overlooks everything..cuz despite the food that was jz acceptable..we still wana patronize the place..cuz the experience was splendid!

and then of course..i have werk rite after..we reached home about 9pm..
but i really slacked cuz i only had 4hours of sleep in 2days..

then the kidz came over..adam was sick..but then still active..aniq as FAT as ever and qistina..the cuteness and the beauty of her eyes..wow!
we went out at 7pm to shop..play arcade and eat..nice..the kids, yaya and i..
ppl were like thinking that i was their mother...i wonder if they were blind..
dank!

but i'd love to have kids tho..yepz! beautiful, adorable children..hmm...
despite this, i wana earn a good living 1st..i dun wana end up like any1 at home..
i want a stable family..in which i noe im gona be happy in..

fer now..lets just say..i wana take my time lookin for the rite person wit the rite education..
i wana study my ass off and be wer i belong..=)

i wana go tutor now..

it's not all that hard to let go now huh? haha..=)
_callous_ was here with you at 11:54 AM .

YTuesday, September 13, 2005
had to werk with 2+1 last nyte..but we managed to finish everything early..so yeah.
had loadsa crappy idiotic customers today too..ASSES.
my first customer was a big dickhead!-a freakin china man!

but im lucky tho that the manager is Ken..haha
spoke to him and crapped alot too..he's not all that bad after all.
but an ass for forcing me to rebond my freakin hair!!
i was such an ass tho..cuz i forgot that it's his bday and we sisters was spending it with him.
haha.anyhowz..

Happy Birthday sucker!!!
haha..hope u'll finally find that right gurl..

im extremely exhausted to tis point of time..but im just gona keep doin tis and keep myself busy..like literally. i stayed at the airport after werk just now till abt 2.45pm..
slacked and talked to khai and irene and of course my sis about practically everything..

i was somehow very wide awake just now..no idea y. mebe i got used to it.
then, i tried every way to understand my sis..she's depressed.

and i duno wat i can do..cuz im not in a good state myself.
i keep myself bz to get my mind off things..

people is starting to think that im sick cuz im losing weight and starting to look frail...
it's funny how they noe that i've been thinking too much.
when i've been superr hyper infront of them..
especially mommy..she's been stuffing me wit foooodd and trying to take me out bla3..
i duno y..i just have got no mood to eat or do anything else.
im just gona work..work and keep working till my body cant take it anymore.
at least i got the cash.

i got to go back to sch tmr after werk..for business ambassador's training..
then sleep..then goin out wit khai, irene, my sis, zee,lyn and aida and company..
and perhaps some of the gurls from irene's outlet..we are just gona spend the nyte out..
to keep our minds off the things and the people that we shouldn't think about.

i hope it's gona be fun..heh.

and oh yeah..im starting to tutor soon..starting tis friday.
it's more of helping her out tho..so i just charged her $50/mth for as many lessons as she wants
just had to charge cuz im makin use of my rest tym to teach.so yeah.
im hoping that i can be of good help to her..

and since i've agreed to join the band..
we are startin to jam tis friday..i duno how the other two is like..
but khairul and aqram told me not to worry..

so much CASH is needed..to pay for biz ambassadors..jamm..goin out tmr....

YIKEZ!

anyhows..check out ocean deep-cliff richard
[nice song..been singin it with my sis & irene todayy]
they were both superr emo and i was the hyper retarded one who jumped everywhere singing my ass off..haha..it felt great tho..cuz it was at the airport.
so..ppl can hear me and my throaty voiicceee..haha

after all tis..i realised that i literally miss dancing and singing..
im glad im doin the singin part again..and maybe dance a lil..whee!

ok..gota get redy for werrkkk..til the nex entry..take care ppl!!
_callous_ was here with you at 8:45 PM .

YMonday, September 12, 2005
everything that happen..happens for a reason.
-that's what i noe but just cant understand.

y must u hurt for a reason?
y must u make a mistake for a reason?
y must u love for a reason?
y must u be crazy over him and cant have him for a reason?
y must u be tormented by ur past for a reason?

y must everything happen for a reason?

if there is one thing that i can do that i know doesnt happen for a reason..
i will do that one thing..and im sure i'll be safe.

im sick of living on the edge..and hoping that it'll be ok soon..
cuz it won't..one problem will lead to another..it's a cycle..a cycyle that'l never end.

juz give me one day..free from all this..and i'll b happy.

my sister never fail to worry me..each time i see her..i see hurt.
i see frustration and i see something that nobody can see..-dissapointment.

what is happening to you???
why are digging your own grave? and why do you keep wanting to end this life of yours?
why do u keep wanting to hurt? why don't u know that u matter to me?
why can't you see that u hurt me? im sick of crying every nite..thinking about you..
why cant you help me help yourself be strong?????!!
why does it seem that u wana leave me like how bro left me?!

is she all that matters in your life now?!!
DON'T LIE to me saying that i mattered to you as much as her.
cuz NOBODY in my life matters more than you.
I'm sick of all the lies.
I'm sick of you trying to be someone that u are not.
YOU ARE STRONG!-what the fcuk happened to you?!

i can no longer understand wat u feel.
cuz i duno u anymore.
cuz u have other frens who can give u more attention.
cuz u have her.

i HATE the word LOVE.
cuz all that it's been doin to me is hurt.
what did i do to deserve this from you and everyone else?!

why do i feel so alone rite now??
see what u've done to me?! u made me weak.
i cant stand alone anymore..cuz u left me stranded here..with no one.
i have no one whom i love to talk to..
everyone is living their life their way..leaving me out of it.

how am i supposed to be strong now wen negligence is rite at me..
wen its overwhelming my strength.

when you are too busy trying to have something tat u can never have.

WHY MUST ALL OF YOU WANT SOMETHING THAT U CAN NEVER HAVE?!!

why must i always end up being the one whose hurt and alone?
till when wil tis prolong..?

happiness..come soon..please..before it's too late.
_callous_ was here with you at 10:54 PM .

YSunday, September 11, 2005
heyzzz...

werk was not as i expected it to be..but as for normal i HAD to o/t cuz the am shift regulars are late..heh. but its all good cuz that means MORE pay..hehe..

nothing much happened actually all of us practicaly slacked after cleanin the outlet..and then we stoned ourselves and crapped about things that shouldnt be mentioned here [cause it's damn derrty thanks to ted and khairul] from 4am till abt say 6?? yepz..

then we went behind the bar and crapped further till Ted [who was once a player but now a devoted boyf..no doubt cuz of his looks] said one thing that struck me..

"we are guys..and all that we are supposed to do is just to grant women their wishes"
-states some kind of vulnerability in us female species..but i cant dare myself to retaliate..cuz i noe that it's true..sometyms..we just want something..so bad..

that we forsake the consequences..

so i cant say that we are not vulnerable..
cuz i noe that we are..it's just in our nature to want to be loved and pampered aint it?
and to know that u are wanted and etc..it's just in every woman..every gurl..

BUT sometimes i think we tend to not use our heads and hearts at the same tym..
we just go on with instincts..tellin ourselves that "he's the one!"..when he's not

or maybe "he could be the one who can bring me thru tis cuz he's been there"..when he's only been there once

or simply through obligation cuz he's helped u soo much that u duno how to repay his kindness..

maybe this is the reason y there are so many unwanted pregnancies...
cuz u just dun think before giving such a special and sacred part of u to that guy who is not even certain that he is gona be THE ONE u will end up sayin your vows with..

and to think about forever??

i duno..but this is just wat i believe in.that ur virginity is just somethg that u shud keep and save for that one person u noe is gona make u happy..through marriage and a bond that u noe will not be broken..cuz u've sifted every other guys..and chose him..and knowing that he chose u too.

and yes Irfan..i noe that this is just a belief.
but wat is wrong with putting it to practise??
i dun think any gurl would wana go around and hear tis guy tellin another guy..
"oh!that gurl?!yeah..i FUCKED her".

if your one of those gurls who dun mind..tell me.
cuz i tink that ur amazingly insane [pardon me].

bottom line is..i just don't understand why..sometimes we just do things without even thinking and we had to just stoop so low till we put our dignity and pride in question. why don't we recognize wat we deserve? and that we are more than capable to stand alone..?

why should we let our fragility be the dominant strength wen we've got our brains and wisdom?

that's what i tink we female just didnt or forgot to consider..
hence, making the men feel superior and giving them no sense of guilt cuz well..

"they are just doin wat u want them to do.."

[if only we can think..b4 doing or giving anything..
we won't be vulnerable =( i hate tis part of a woman]
_callous_ was here with you at 8:22 PM .

YSaturday, September 10, 2005
yesterday work was a bore..cuz there wasn't much to be done and i was the only gurl werkin with three guys..stinkz!
so i naturally get bullied..by bein the center of all attention in every way that is just impossible to mention.

-jeremy made it known that im a handicap..so yeah..im blind and im kinda slow..
so they need loadsa patience werkin with me..and my luffin just made the customers think that im equally retarded.
[i played along..haha..cuz i thought it's fun letting them do most of the werk]

and yeah..there were no significant customers..just the norm..
uncles who tinks that they have all the money to buy the whole shop.
aunties who pretend to know wat their ordering..and then complain.
ang mohs who never fail to look stuck up and nice at the same tym..and yeah..
their kids..who never fail to look damn adorable!
and o yeah..there's this Indian jackass who complained to Jeremy..
"for the price we pay for the drinks-the service is so little!"
wth.who told u that ur payin for the service.?!
the only xtra charge that u have to pay for is GST!!

im not racist..trust me.just tis kinda ppl really tick me off.
the fact that we are werkin our ass off and ur still expecting so much..
try being in the service line and see how much service u can give at a cafe.

and yeah..shi, py and yilin dropped by for my break..
nice to have frens like them..hehe

neways,lets look forward to tonight and see wat kinda customers there are..
i'll fill you in..no doubt abt that..*smilez*

Anyways...

im TOTALLY bored
so i figured i shall share my pics wit you...


so this is me..
together with my sister..both of us TRYING to look retarded [or is it just me?]

and this is my best gurlie..JANE!!

and peiyi and "her bear"..at coffeebean! our fave hangout.haha. [notice the jacket?]

and of course my cutest..adorable beloved nephew..love him!

so yeah..that's partly all the pics that i have..sadness. my gallery is not building up in any way despite the number of pics i take..haha [just realised tat i have no pic wit shi and sue]

so yeah..well im rotting..at 1250pm..sad.

i'll fill you in tmr if i finally get to find sth meaningful to do..

till then..i'll just countdown to work at 12am laterz..wit khairul!![bleah!]

YFriday, September 09, 2005
im at the best of moods today and i have no idea why..
perhaps it's coz of school..no more papers..no more worries..
the moment i've been waiting for all this while..whee!

basically shi met me at my place before we head on to school..
econs today and we reached at about 0927 or sth..we were not early..haha
but then i managed to do the 1st 3parts of the paper till the last section
i went totally blank cuz of the time-ASS!!

n o yeah..the bloody invigilator..she was practically breathing down my neck and
observing every shyt thing that i did!
u noe how it feels to have someone doing that wen u are writing? -like shyt!! haha..
but i glared at her..i looked retarded..but wth.
i still didnt get to finish my paper on time.BIG time ASS.
[i think she's partly the cause]-i shall blame no one..=)

then we went over to airport[AGAIN!]-tis time it's coz of py..
and yeah..studied and tis cool Indian guy was like askin Shahrul(the cashier)

"do you have coffee which is iced?"
"how about iced coffee"
"no..something else"
"iced latte?" at tis point of time i'd already noe tt he wants sth diff so i jz listened
"is there any Frappucino?" shows that he wants u to suggest
"yeah we have ice blend" and he pointed to the freakin menu board
[wic gestures-cant u motha****in read?!]

i felt like killin him for the lack of initiative and blurted out "mocha?"

he said "yeah sure!" [see how long ago the order could've been made?] darnits!

he was like superr cool and asked if i werk there and i said yeah and we chatted for awhile..coolness.

then we went back to studying for IHT..till abt 6pm after we caught so much attention.

the fun thing was tat i finished the paper damn early..abt 40mins early..
then yijin or watever the name of the guy is..was like lookin at me..-i didnt wana leave
n den handed in his paper and the invigilator caught me turnin back and took mine too
haha..i ended up leavin and tellin shi[whose behind me] "ur fuckin SLOW!"

twas kinda shockin cuz watever we studied actually came out..almost everything.
so yeah..i bet u can tell how happy i am now..hehe

right after we waited for su and shi to finish we hung out at marrybrown and chilled
till abt 2245..amazing.[my dad didn't call]

sue and i got to noe tis guy studyin der named jason..
not tat cute but xtremely nice and easygoin..
he's in yr3..mobile & wireless computing or sth..he's exam is on monday
u have my sympathy cuz mine is over!! muahaha..
good luck to u and ur fren btw..=)

so yeah..a wonderful day..haha
met loadsa ppl..and shared some of each other's piece of life.
-beautiful.

not forgetting that we found out that ken like py instead of shi..
bloody ass..caused shi so much hurt..and to think that he'd make a move on ur gd fren.
it's juz like-JACKASS.
anyhowz..he's still my manager so wth.

basically..after all tis things happening..
i've just come to a conclusion that guys r just better off as friends.
period.

and to think that i took so long to realise tickles me to the bones.
haha.

it's not love if it's too much hurt..
cuz someone who loves you won't hurt you till your heart breaks.

dun waste ur time k?
-shi tis goes out to u too..

nitez people..MMmuackz!
_callous_ was here with you at 12:27 AM .

YWednesday, September 07, 2005
check tis lyric out..nicee and meaningful...by Taylor Dayne
[give to the person who u love and cant have]
-remember..don't be selfish...if u love someone..let him go..
if he comes back he's yours..if not..someone better will come..*smilez*


Saying goodbye is never an easy thing
But you never said, that you'd stay forever
So if you must go
Well, darlin', I'll set you free
But I know in time
That we'll be together

Oh, I won't try
To stop you now from leaving
Cause in my heart I know

(chorus)
Love will lead you back
Someday I just know that
Love will lead you back to my arms
Where you belong
I'm sure, sure as stars are shining
One day you will find me again
It won't be long
One of these days
Our love will lead you back

One of these nights
Well I'll hear your voice again
You're gonna say, oh, how much you miss me

You walked out this door
But someday you'll walk back in

Oh, darling I know
Oh, I know this will be
Sometimes it takes, some time out on your own now
To find your way back home

(repeat chorus)

But I won't try to stop you now from leaving
Cause in my heart I know...oh yeah

(repeat chorus)

Love will lead you back
Someday I just know that
Love will lead you back to my arms
It won't be long
One of these days

Our love will lead you back..
_callous_ was here with you at 1:06 PM .

u will just sometimes come to a point of realisation
that things dun always turn out the way you want them to.
that no matter how strong you feel for something or someone.
it just won't be the way u want it..

but when u come to think of it
it's about how u actually manage it.
manage wat u cant have and how u learn to accept..wat's best for you.

for my case..accept what's best for my heart.

learning to accept the obvious is better
than not knowing what to learn from in the first place.

i don't regret tellling him..i shouldn't have.
what i did was meant for me..not for him.
it was suppose to make me feel better..-which it did now.

i duno what i was thinking last night..why i brokedown to such emptiness
i should be happy that i at least got the chance
to tell him that i still love him

and i won't try to let go of it cuz i cant tell my heart to
but i will move on with it..lookin forward..and smiling as i look back.

cuz the truth is..he's the only one i've loved in such a way..
in a way that it's impossible to ever relive again.

as i said before we were together..it'l just be a dream..
and dreams don't last.

i am now..in reality looking at the facts.
facts that i cant amend or edit to suit wat i want.

he's gone.
face it.

and to come to think of it..
although i won't be able to be with him again to exprience such love..
i noe im going to have sme1 better
someone who perhaps loves me..and in time..
maybe i'll love him the way i've never loved before..
and then..
i wont want it to b a dream..
i want it to be a point of realisation.that he's the one i've been looking for.

and until that moment come..i won't let go for what i feel for ammar.
i'll embrace this feeling and be happy that at least..
i've had a perfect rltnship..a relationship that everyone envied.

a relationship wer two people meet and noe wat they want
which is support..company...happiness..love.....
with all this, even hurt don't mean a thing..

a relationship wer u can just talk about everything..
sense to senseless..
happiness to sadness..

a perfect relationship..one that i noe i will share
with the people i know..even my children perhaps.

i love him cuz he was the angel from my nightmare..
and i noe i wont stop doing so.
but i will open my heart..and wait for that special sme1 who loves me..
this way..and then..
i will see how much i mean to him..
and love him just the same

in time...

im waiting for you.

im not gona give up on love..nor you..

[finally huh?? haha..i finally realise i guess..]-well im smiling now..hehe
credits to peiyi and cikgu for listening..and advising..
_callous_ was here with you at 12:32 PM .

Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice AND I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing out the whole thing
Oh but at often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright light turns to night
Oh until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
Others only DREAM of the love Oh the love that I love
See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words than I had ever heard and I feel so alive
Cause you and I both loved What you and I spoke of
And others just read of and if you could see ME now
Oh love, love, you and I, you and I Not so little, you and I anymore
Mmm hmm

And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving Is the glory of a boy

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of And others just read of
And if you could see me now
Well then I'm almost finally out ofI'm finally out of
Finally de de de de de de de
Well I'm almost finally finally
Well I am free, oh i'm free

And it's okay if you had to go away
Oh, just remember the telephone well,
their workin it both ways

But if I never, ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside

Finally found you someone else and that's okay

Cause I'll remember everything you sang

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of and if you could see me now
Well then I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
Finally de de de de de de de de

Well i'm almost finally finally out of words
_callous_ was here with you at 12:44 AM .

the start of today was beautiful..wen u noe that everything was in place.
u understood ur notes prepared for ur paper and just ready to write it all down..

till wen u actually sit and look at the paper itself and just go "wat the hell!!".
heh.yepz..the paper was like totally unexpected..it wasn't easy. tat's all that i can tell u.

tsk.

then to the fact that i finally poured everything out to him yesterday.
it felt good..like a huge weight of my back.
BUT after all this..i duno if he should noe..if it would change anythg.
like if it'd be awkward btwn us..

maybe im thinking too much..i duno. i dun care.

just now..
farid msged me again..then my hurt just came back.
at how i feel used and how it was bein close to him..
just to feel loved and secured by someone again..at a moment of desperation.
at a moment whereby ur mind and ur heart just dun coincide wit each other..
wer u just wen ahead on impulse..without thinking..or valuing urself.

with the hope that u can somehow relive the past that u have always wanted with someone else
-clearly Impossible.

i just hate the word love..or hope..or fate..or anything to do with being in love.

cuz love is like a venom.
it slowly runs through u..
it hurt u and it will continue doing so..
so u just keep enduring and enduring till u can find a way to totally remove it.
which by then..will be too late.
wer ur emotions, ur heart and your desire to love just gets amputated.
and u not only feel pain..but numb all at once.
that u will just refuse to feel love anymore..because it will remind u of wat happend
of how u got bitten and poisoned by the one person u really love.

but somehow..
u will still be longing for the love that hurt u..
not knowing why..not caring even.
bcoz u noe that the love that bit and poisoned u
was the love that u will never have again.

that is how i literally feel..
put into verses tat perhaps can relate better to u..

u noe..at tis point of time..all i want is to have someone who loves me
who will be there for me.
..anytime i feel like tis.
Hurt.Used.Lost.Useless.

[what is happening to me?]*on breakdown*
_callous_ was here with you at 12:08 AM .

YMonday, September 05, 2005
woke up wit a bad flu, sore throat and migrane at 7am today..met shi to study at airport..
managed to cover FFB..and econs..
irfan came to teach me econs (sory kak nana..but i noe i wun fall 4 him..)
and py joint us later at t1 to eat at subway..
i had the cookiez..(finally)..YUMz!

i felt too sick so i decided to hop on the cab that irfan took cuz he wanted to reach home asap to chat wit helen..

along the way..we spoke..and somehow...
he made me realise that nothing's gona happen between us.
that the past will remain as the past and that the repeat of the relationship is just impossible and that perhaps he is talkin to me cuz he wants the comfort..not coz he wans me back.
i noe that its true..and somehow it made me want to just give up on him.

i had doubts..

i made up my mind tho..right after seeing her blog again..heh.
she miss him.
their MADE for each other..so..it shows how stupid i am to even hold on..any longer.

so..im not gona initiate anything anymore..concentrate on werk and school..
not sending him off..and just lookin forward and never turning back again.
i noe it can happen..as long as i keep myself bz and force myself to let him go..

yepz shi..perhaps the chinese saying is right..haha.
just let go k..we can do this together..no matter how complicated men can be..
their dumb cuz they duno how to read between the lines.
or perhapz...they just cant be bothered to.haha.

fretting over this is just a waste of time.
im sick and tired of all this already.

being lost in the fairytale and the jealousy of ur nemesis.
being hurt and overshadowed by the past.
being dissapointed by everything that u encounter.
and having hope for something that is so damn obvious.

i'm sick.tmr's the paper and here i am..letting him affect me.
that's it..im gona sleep through today..and wake up to a new beginning.

i'm gona make the effort to move on..
at least try to..why do i need to hold onto some1 whose not interested..
it'll just cause me hurt..more hurt.
credits to shi and irfan..

thanks guyz..for listening to all my nonsense.

we are gona have sooo much FUN come next week!!!!!
whee! =D

anyway..beautiful-james blunt is so damn touching..
_callous_ was here with you at 5:54 PM .

YSunday, September 04, 2005
i studied the whole nite at the aiport yday til about 5am when i found out that my sis got admitted in the hospital cuz of asthma...rushed there by cab..cost freakin 11bux!!

wut a waste!
it's coz of the midnyte charge and the additional 3bux cuz the cab was from the airport..
then wen i was in the cab i read the list of xtra charges and gez wat?! midnyte charge only last till 6am..and the time wen i board the cab was actually 5.55AM!!!! argh.

when i reached the hospital my eyes was half open so i took every opportunity to get some shut eye..yepz..i eventually dozed off for abt an hour outside the observation ward.heh.
wen i woke up..everyone was practically lookin at me..wth.

then i continued sleepin wit my sis in the ward..haha.
i cant be bothered by wat ppl might think..just too exhausted..

i found out that she was hurt by kak sha cuz she didnt wana spend her bday wit us..
uh well..to me it's her decision cuz it's her bday after all and all that we can realli do is just be fair to her..totally up to her on how to spend tis special day of hers isn't it?
it just shows how much we actually mattered to her on her special day.tsk

o yeah!
there are SIX ppl in the ward..3 of wic are malay..there's tis old lady opposite my sis..
very pitiful..she cant barely talk and kept wanting to puke..
the nurses there are TOTALLY unfriendly..and they seem to be ignoring her..
then there was a tym wer she choked on her food or sth and kept coughing..
they didnt attend to her altho they were infront of her(bitches)..
i cant help just waychin so i helpd her sooth her back and gave her water..i cant bear to c such treatment.im so not gona let my mum go to CGH if she's sick..

i smsed him today cuz i was totally bored at the hosp wit my sis stoning and getting all emotional and me getting all zombified..

it was clear that wat i felt yday was true.

he is unhappy.

he just pratically wana be loved and have someone to love.
and that someone isn't me.
he's still into her..and just want a relationship that's serious now...

i gez now is the time for me to wake up now aye?
like wat irfan told me..
"the more you think of him or her, the more you head back to square one"

all the more im not sure what i should do..
wat should i do??

i just don't understand why humans always want something that they can't have..
despite the hurt and dissapointments that he/she have caused..

why do I always want the relationship back..?-something that i can't have
_callous_ was here with you at 11:00 PM .

I'm taking my time
I'm trying to leave the memories of you behind
I'm gonna be fine
As soon as I get your picture right out of my mind

Chorus:
I wanna feel the way you make me feel
When I'm with youI wanna be the only hand
You need to hold on to
But every time I call
You don't have time
I guess I'll never get to call you mine

You're nothing at all
I know there’s a million reasons why I shouldn't call
With nothing to say
Could easily make this conversation last all day

Chorus:
I wanna feel the way you make me feel
When I'm with you
I wanna be the only hand
You need to hold on to
But every time I call
You don't have time
I guess I'll never get to call you mine

Another lesson I didn't get to learn
You're my obsession
I've got nowhere to turn
I wanna feel the way you make me feel when I'm with you

I wanna be the only hand you need to hold on to (x3)

But I guess I'll never get to call you mine
_callous_ was here with you at 10:00 PM .

YSaturday, September 03, 2005
today's been a total drag..literally.
i've been lazing at home the whole freakin day and worst, i DIDNT study....ARGH!!
i didnt have the mood so i figured that i shouldn't waste my time trying to concentrate even..heh. was supposed to study with kengkee and shi and mebe py at airport in the mornin but i woke up late cuz i slept at about 3am..chattin on msn wit ammar and khairul and kengkee darlin..haha.

CrapZ..and im cancelling on Darius too tonite for overnite study..
cuz to overnite there literally means wasting my time.heh. so i'd rather try to mug at home or mebe sleep?? hmm the latter seems more appealing.

well let's see tonite when the clock strikes 11pm..heh.

anyhowz..after we chatted yesterday..i duno why but it just felt like he's not happy..
i duno whether it's me and my stewpid instincts or is it true..cuz i sense the loneliness...
that mebe last tyme he was toooo damn used to havin some1 to talk to evry nite
and now not anymore..heh.
i listened to him host the qts radio tingy and GOSH i missed his voice..
like really..soo..indescribable..haha..

im still bein a nun..dun wori..
it's just the little moments that u still wish for hope u noe..
im sure you guys have felt this way before..
and im just gona keep clinging on to it and hope that if he's not the one..
i'd still get to at least find someone like him in 7years or less..
and tis time around i swear i'll take it slow..

cuz i think that that was the mistake i made when i was with him..i rushed.

i wonder why did they break up..
though it's none of my freakin business..heh.
it's just human isn't it? to be curious...but it can also be a turn off..so yeh.4get it.

o yeah..did i tell u he's still as cute as ever??
my frens told me that i'm blinded cuz he's grown FAT..
but wth...it doesnt matter..cuz looks dun last.

yesterday i was kinda like reminiscing the times we spent together b4 i went to bed..

i noe that i've told you guys that i'd let go...
i'm trying to let go k..give me more time..2years is not enuff..

well..i gez im gona stop blabbering and dreaming..
gota cover Economics now...tsk.

LaterZ!

gez wat?? i'm listening to how could an angel break my heart..LAME.despo song! haha.
wait.! does that make me lame and despo too....?
_callous_ was here with you at 8:07 PM .

YFriday, September 02, 2005
Im BACK!! haha..finally now im kinda free to blogg...

Dad's been somewhat sensitive nowadays and i have no helluva idea why..
Spent last nite wit my sis and lynz..Tomat..Cik Noi and An..haha..hilarious!!
chilled out at this so-called pub till about 11pm and played loadsa stuff..taiti and old maid and then went bowling till about 1am and chilled again til abt 2.30am..FUNN!! too bad my sis was having her asthma..so she kinda rested while we do the entertainment..haha..

o yeah..the place was superrr cool and the ambience was MAgnIFiCenT!!!! we sat upstairs wer they prepared the bbq pit for us..so we juz sat and tis gurl named Dian or sth bbqed for us..we were sitting in the "romantic" atmosphere with the "candle-lights" and just fooling around..it's open air..so i gez we are lucky tat the weather was fine with the cool breeze..hmm..PUrrfEct!

after yesterday, i found out how much fun im actually missing out..just by mugging and meetin deadlines..heh..but the bottom line is..i've got 7WEEKS to enjoy!whee!

but of course..my boring life resume at the airport where i start mugging for the damn exams with kengkee, shi and py..heh. managed to cover FFB with econs left to go..im aiming for a B..so i must werk extra hard for it cuz im currently at C+ and since the exam weightage is 60%..theres still lots to be done! yep!! must be motivated!!

and so..i duno what im doin here rite now..still stinking in my jeans and shirt..aha!

i better go now and update you guys later k?

MMmuackz!

Btw, if ur hurt and heartbroken..seek my advice..give up and be a temporary nun.
=>like me.
(at least im happy)
_callous_ was here with you at 9:50 PM .